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Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now: