Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
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[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
The only good comments section online is on recipes
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens