If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
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If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito