Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
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A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
live, laugh, laundry.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.