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Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin: