The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
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[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Me redecorating every room in my mind
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone