Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
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I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
I unironically love this joke.