Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
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being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.