@Scott_A_Gilmore

Came home from work early and caught my inflatable girlfriend cheating on me with the beachball.

@Scott_A_Gilmore

I gave up and “folded” the fitted sheet into a rope so I could shimmy down from the 3rd floor to escape folding laundry.

@Scott_A_Gilmore

Shout out to vegetarians for never having ant problems. All ant scouts find is broccoli crumbs and despair, and who wants to feed on that.

@Scott_A_Gilmore

I love it when I go to untie a shoe and inadvertently tie a Double Reverse Hitch knot and have to hire an Eagle Scout to get my sneaker off.

@Scott_A_Gilmore

What manner of evil contract with the devil must I enter into so I can get eye drops INTO my eyes?

@Scott_A_Gilmore

Today’s lunch: Pan fried pork chops, cheesy hash brown casserole, peach cobbler, a quick defibrillation and two stents.

@Scott_A_Gilmore

They’re just making up new weather with this ‘thunder snow’ shit. Next we’ll have ‘earthquake rain’ or ‘sunny darkness’ or some shit.

@Scott_A_Gilmore

People named Thomas, your nickname isn’t “Thom” it’s Tom. “Thom” thounds sthupid and prethenthiuos.

@Scott_A_Gilmore

‘Kyrgyzstan’ is what happens when you’ve already named all the other countries and you have left over letters.