Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
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WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
That’s not how days work.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.