I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
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Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter