5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
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The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials