Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
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Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
technically true but not a great slogan
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Muppet Screams
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.