“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
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69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”