“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
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Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
My favorite type of men is ramen.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.