*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
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[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*