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Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.