Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
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Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box