You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
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Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.