[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
You Might Also Like
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
I put the hot in psychotic.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it