“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
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[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday