I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
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I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
SCARY COSTUME
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.