First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
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listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.