Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
You Might Also Like
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]