@Sean_Burgundy_

Not to brag, but all 6 of my previous therapists are having successful careers in different fields now

@Sean_Burgundy_

Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line

@Sean_Burgundy_

[ Skydiving ]

Instructor: SIR. You can’t just jump out without your equipment on

Me: *Shows him text of gf saying “We need to talk”

@Sean_Burgundy_

Friend: All I want for Christmas is a new blender

Me: Wouldn’t you rather have your life together?

@Sean_Burgundy_

Just for once I wanna be able to explain after I say “I can explain.”

@Sean_Burgundy_

Friend: Do I need to repeat myself?

Me: No. I might not be able to ignore you a second time