I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
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Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Passwords are more important than ever.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde