*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
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Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!