Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
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Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
My blood type is coffee.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job