Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
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Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
i’m laughing very hard in real life
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions: