If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
You Might Also Like
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
smh
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.