Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
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Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
dads on road-trips be like
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
How times have changed.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.