I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
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Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.