How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
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“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Bootstraps
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Merica.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Okay me first
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.