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Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.

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A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”

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Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.

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I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.

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Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.

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”How’d you get that scar on your head?”

[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]

”Stopped a bank robbery”

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Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?

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I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?

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Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.