Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.