culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
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there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Webb. James Webb.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
December birthdays be like…
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?