In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
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I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
I have so many questions.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”