Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
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Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
there has never been a better use of this meme
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER