Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
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Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Velcrow
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?