Well. That’s not a good sign.
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Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!