I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Damn girl, are you my Bachelor’s degree because you wasted my time and now I hate you.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don’t like her new haircut.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.