ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
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I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
I falcon love using swear birds
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…