sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
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There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
greetings!
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater