I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
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How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets