me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
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I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.