Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
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Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn鈥檛 good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I鈥檒l do anything, what鈥檚 the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I鈥檒l see you in hell
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it鈥檚 a cat.
KID: That鈥檚 the cat鈥檚 problem.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 馃槶
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Me, as a judge: OK we鈥檒l take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.