me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
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ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.