Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
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Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Solving a traffic jam
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
And bowling should be called pinball
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
What even happened today?
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer