@Shade510

Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.

@Shade510

Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?

@Shade510

My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.

@Shade510

* on my death bed

Me: One thing I want you to do for me…

Wife: Name it?

Me: I want you to marry Larry.

Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?

Me: I do.

@Shade510

* shows up with flowers

Wife: Are we going to the hospital?

@Shade510

It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.

@Shade510

Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.

@Shade510

Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.

@Shade510

Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.

Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.