Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
*gets off on a technicality
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.