My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
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We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
I put the h in mysterious.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.