The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
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Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
im 7 sauces long
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”