[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
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If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.